Minority Sports – No.9: Road-Running
Not to be confused with street-walking or indeed, gun-running, two other popular pastimes in Portglenone, road-running has for many years been regarded as the handiest way for people of about thirty years of age, to damage irreparably the muscles in their backs and destroy what little knee cartilage they have left.
More often than not, new converts to the hobby will make the decision to begin just after Christmas, buying a pair of Nike trainers in Junction One for about £150, convincing themselves that they have just scored an excellent half-price bargain. Not wanting to go all out from the outset, they will dig out those nylon shorts from the bottom of the wardrobe which were made in Clady Factory in the mid 70s and, if they are wise, invest in a good sports bra. Even some women will find this piece of equipment useful.
The look is not complete without an iPod and headphones although, the more astute will realise that just wearing the headphones without the iPod will greatly reduce the weight needing to be carried.
The only thing now that a new runner will require is an account with ebay which they will need in order to re-sell the trainers at the end of January when the credit card bill arrives and the reality dawns that they are bored to tears with racing along Molloy’s Ford and that no matter what they do, they are still hurtling uncontrollably towards mid-life obesity.
But don’t think for one minute that it’s all positive. A tiny percentage of runners do go on to have a long career in the sport, graduating to 5k races, half marathons and finally the full marathons which allows them to do hilarious things such as dressing up as a cartoon character, sanding off their own nipples with polyester vests and, if really pushing their bodies to the limit, have a toileting accident in front of thousands.
Moustaches are not conducive to running as the constant need to bend over and cough the inside of one’s lungs over the footpath often results in long sinews of saliva hanging unseen from the upper lip.
More uplifting sports news tomorrow.