Minority Sports – No.5: Bowls
The sport of bowls was invented in 1983 to allow elderly gentlemen with little or no military experience, to dress in the manner of a retired army Major or Colonel, complete with regimental blazer and tie. Bedecked with lapel badges, the bowler is ready to regale listeners with endless stories of previous ‘battles’ on the greens.
“Our unit arrived at 0800 hours, we wanted to take Gerry by surprise. My old bally leg was playing up and we were under pressure early on. Our chaps soon weighed in, launching a few three pounders up towards their end and soon the blighters were on the run.”
What this might mean remains a complete mystery but that matters little as bowls does not have a fixed set of rules. Participants merely roll slightly misshapen balls up and down a lawn until someone has a heart-attack and dies. Everyone else then has tea.
Because of the soldiery element to the sport, bowlers often produce some of the finest and most creative moustaches ever seen. Unfortunately, as the average age of a bowler is 116, this means they are about 15 years too old to have any realistic chance of playing soccer for Portglenone FC.
Bowling greens are excellent places to find worms for fishing but it’s recommended that one digs for them after dark as the worm is a nocturnal animal.
Mark Twain probably had something witty, by way of ridicule, to say about the sport of bowls but we have no idea what this might have been.