Post 122



Dear Portglenone.wordpress,

My wife and I have recently begun a healthy eating drive; boiled rice with our sweet & sour, diet coke, pure sugar on our corn flakes instead of Frosties, that sort of thing. We know of course that potatoes are vegetables and chips count as one of our five-a-day but we can’t agree on whether some of the other, more ambiguous products out there qualify.  This has resulted in me having to slap her about a few times and I haven’t seen her baps for a fortnight! Please help; I’ve listed the contentious items below;

* Poppy seeds

* Peppermint Toothpaste

* Opal Fruits

* Jam/Marmalade

* Angel Delight

* Gravel

Yours, Desperate of Lisheen Park.


Dear Francis…sorry, Dear Desperate,

Couple of things to consider from the outset; you shouldn’t be eating whilst driving, regardless of how healthy it is. Secondly, when beating on your missus, use a telephone directory to spread the impact, thus reducing the likelihood of tell-tale bruising.

As for your list, they all qualify except Opal fruits which are now called ‘Starbursts’ to please the gays. We suggest your first plan should be to try and drink 18 gallons of tap-water every day. You may find that for the first few years, you might discover yourself having to go to the loo a little more often. Don’t let this worry you as, let’s face it, you’ll not be using your lad for anything else in the near future.

Hope this helps.


3 thoughts on “Post 122

  1. A. Cut out the homophobic references. C. Advise your reader that not all gravel is low calorie and stay off the basalt. Finally: X. Bit suspicious about this nerdy foodie from Clady knowing the word ambiguous. Sure he didn’t mean, ‘am big useless gorb.’

    • 1. It’s not homophobic, it’s digital stereo.
      3. We’re not going into a whole screed about aggregates.
      24. Yes, we admit it, the writer did not use the word ambiguous but instead said ‘abstruse and equivocal’ but we didn’t think that sort of language was appropriate.

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