We have just received an email from a reader who signed themselves as ‘Deep Throat’ and addressed us as ‘Dear Retards’, to inform us that ‘The Big Splash’ is not in fact a local person celebrating a milestone birthday but is, it turns out, an annual festival of fun and frolics in the town.
Our sincerest apologies to all of those who had already rushed out and bought presents. Not to worry if you have, just bring your purchases to Dougans’ Soft Furnishings tonight between seven and nine for a full refund and a little compensation.
As for The Big Splash, due to the renovations taking place at the marina, the festivities have been moved to Portglenone Forest where there will be the usual castle-painting and bouncy-faces. With the new venue, those hoping to partake in the canoeing event in the forest are advised to dispense with life-jackets but to bring crash helmets with them instead.