Post 107

Nothing says, “touch of class” about a village and its people, as much as a huge bed sheet attached to road signs with poorly spelt birthday wishes scrawled upon it for the world to see. But if you have a close friend or family member approaching a significant age milestone and you intend to undertake such a display, please remember that there is etiquette to be followed.

  1. The subject of any such dedication should be from the socio-economic bracket known as, ‘scum’.
  2. Although it is not essential to use a brand new sheet, at least have the courtesy to ensure they are clean as no one really wants to see your dubious nocturnal emissions. (Actually, in Portglenone, a few people might)
  3. Always start your text with huge letters, that way you will soon run out of space and by the time you get to the end, passers-by will need binoculars to read the last bit and will probably crash their car in trying to do so.
  4. Keep the message simple and try to avoid being funny as it won’t be. If you really feel the need to introduce humour, you will undoubtedly write, “Guess whose 50” and add several exclamation marks. Don’t worry that this is improper use of the word, ‘whose’ as it does make for an interesting philosophical question.
  5. If you must cover up a signpost with your creation, ensure it is one which is not important for motorists unfamiliar with the town. We suggest the one for Rasharkin would be ideal.
  6. If using felt-tip pens for the script, we recommend you start with one which is almost done as an obvious change of marker halfway through really adds that extra touch.
  7. Don’t stop with just a banner either! Print out lots of smaller displays with photographs which would be embarrassing for the subject if they weren’t so grainy and remember to use paper which is not waterproof. This will guarantee that the pages will become a greeny-blue blur with even slight overnight dew. You can of course fast-track this disintegration by attaching all of these to lampposts with cheap sticky tape.
  8. And last but not least, never, ever, ever think it would be a good idea to draw a bottle of Gordon’s Gin at the bottom of your banner.

NB Use an old bedsheet, preferably asking your mother for permission first;

aaabedd

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